9:06 a.m. - October 25, 2009
disconnected ramble
with the exception of last night, yesterday was not one of my better days. as far as days go, I think yesterday actually started the night before, or at least my funk did. a funk which persisted, despite the presence of my 26th year of life coming to a close and entering my 27th (I just turned 26, but we all know that you don't actually spend the next year being an age, you spend the next year working towards the next age). the looming knowledge that every year the things that were special as a child get a little less special has been becoming more and more oppressive as I stumble further into adulthood. each day is less distinct, and my birthday, now, is simply another day. perhaps others have always seen this, but I used to be a hopeless romantic, and so this knowledge is making life a little more disappointing than it would have been if I'd been realistic all along.
perhaps things wouldn't seem so bleak sometimes if my memories were more distinct. some people save memories like photos, videos, with 3d imaging and surround sound. my memories are all like watercolors that someone left out in the rain. smeared and washed out, with patches were there's only the canvas left, and all you can really get from it is some feeling, some sensation that leaves an impression but nothing more. I live by feel more than anything else and it is, admittedly, a rather volatile way to live. it's not rational, but as far as i can see it neither is life, and without feelings we're, well, we aren't much more than bundles of atoms wandering around without purpose. if I really believed in souls then I'd believe they were intricately tied to your emotions. but really, even those are just chemicals firing around in your brain. it seems strange that something so strong, so consuming isn't more than that, chemistry. I used to hate the idea of anti-depressants, avoided even the holistic versions my parents kept trying to get me to take because the depression at least felt authentic, and if I took something to change that then my feelings wouldn't be...real. I guess I still kind of believe that although I would probably take something if I was really in a bad way, if not for myself (and it wouldn't be) then for the people who have to put up with me. I'm not much of an actress, and I'm pretty self-centered a lot of the time, but ultimately I can barely bring myself to tell my s.o. what I'm really feeling; I fight the urge to lie to him about it, so I would hardly wish myself on anyone else if I couldn't be....normal for them. Happy. Not a burden.
