11:06 p.m. - January 12, 2009
uncertainties
i don't know if i'm really scared, or if i just feel scared because that's how i think i should feel. i do know that any semi-doubts, any questions, my mother's incredulity raised are buried now, or more than that, they've dissolved. because this is as big a step as i'm ready for, and just because i'm not ready for a bigger one doesn't mean i should stay stationary.
I think that the vague scared-and-excited feelings are there because that's what you're supposed to feel. i don't know if that makes them ingenuine, but as they're feelings, i don't think it does, because logic and reason are not applicable to them. but underneath it, underneath the induced feelings (induced by what's expected), there is the real fear. it is, as always, a fear of loss. all my fears come to them, so this is no longer a surprise, or a breakthrough of any sort. but it is more concrete than that. i fear losing more of that feeling of excitement. i don't tell him as much, because he doesn't realize how far i feel it's gone. how much thrill and excitement i've lost. i don't tell him anymore when he gives me goosebumps, when his very simple touch excites me, because i don't want to admit to him that these are special because they are, for lack of a better description, rare. i am afraid that it could be the quiet nudges that signify the beginning of the end, or that this is an indication of how things settle down to be. i wish there was someone i could ask, "is it still always exciting? do you have to settle for those rare moments where it is or else be doomed to only ever dating?" i suppose that the hopeless romantic in me, the one fed by my tamora pierce and more recent stories, has led me to believe that deep, honest, true, lasting, meant-to-be love means that you never lose that excitement, the thrills you feel in the beginning, which means that i am settling. i know, i have known, even in my moments of strongest love, that we are a good match, but we are not perfect. and not in the no-one is way, but in the there is a perfect match out there, but we won't find it because we are with each other way. that this is regular life, something more exciting is out there if we only had the courage to seek it. if i only had the courage. he doesn't think that way. but i can't help it. will i spend my life with him, happy but slightly unsatisfied?
